This is a real topsy-turvy time for me at the moment mentally. I haven’t heard “topsy-turvy” in an age, hence its use.
After over 20 years in retail I jacked it all in to study for that degree I have always wanted. I have chosen history and education, with a view of becoming a teacher afterwards. As usual, with the current economic climate in the UK, my timing is impecable.
So the first year is over. This will be the first year that Alex will not have to go into childcare over the summer holiday, something I am very pleased and excited about. I am already preparing for next year’s study; I have started doing all those little jobs we avoid doing; I have begun a long held dream of writing a book though typically for me I am doing the research first before even getting word on paper. I have written to some schools to volunteer for some classroom assistant experience and I have applied for some jobs, although neither efforts have born any fruit at all.
All this has worth, and requires patience. So why am I having to go through a “hump” of belief of lack of self worth? Its been very difficult this week trying to be a good father and husband, of finding the achievements which show progress and development, of success. I have found it difficult to even cope with my wife doing something like the washing up, when I have said I will do it. I have found it immensely trying hard to work with my son on his homework, when he is quite obviously not interested. I am not doing the Jeremy Kyle thing, but there isn’t huge amount of work to do around here and the ole one eye monster sits in the corner waiting to be awaken. It only goes on if I have things to do, as putting the tv on for entertainment or distraction seems like an admission of defeat. If I don’t wash up, and the wife does, then I see myself as having achieved less for the day; and that really, really fustrates me.
In part I think I am going through similar feelings to those who have worked all their lives, and then have retired. Out of place. Lacking focus on activities of value and worth. Lacking confidence and comparison of achievement. Feeling out of the loop, unsure and uncertain that if I achieve today, what do I achieve tomorrow? This has made me crabby, defensive and far too serious for a man with the summer off at 37. Lack of money hurts as well – we have enough to see us through but not enough to get away for a bit or to buy a distraction.
While I will never admit to getting the rub of the green in my life (for the amount I have worked and contributed I should have achieved so much more), I know that if I keep pushing on these situations inevitably turn themselves around. As usual, within a day or two, I will be over the “hump” and forging forward again. So I know there is light at the end of the tunnel; I know the reasons why I am going through these feelings and doubts; and I know why they have come about and that there was little I could have done to change things. Yet all that knowledge hasn’t stopped me feeling this way, or accelerating that recovery. Thats probably the most fustrating thing of all.